Joshua Harbert

Hello World

Thu, 26 Feb 2026 00:00:00 +0000

Working as a marketer, copywriter, and healthcare co-founder, I’ve written a lot in the last several years. I am proud of this writing. It got results and showcased my clients’ amazing work. But I’ve also missed having a place to share ideas or examine questions for their own sake.

That’s what this site is for. I plan to explore a range of topics such as artistry, technology, and the craft of being human. To share what I’m learning in the hope others may find it useful. And to pass on other writing/work I find interesting. Check out the about page for a bit more.

And if you’re wondering:

What’s with all the birds?

The short answer is, “Why not?” They’re fun. :) Audubon’s bird illustrations are beautiful too.

The longer answer goes back several years. My office at the time looked out at a big oak tree. And one spring I saw a bunch of tiny birds flying around I hadn’t noticed before. What were they, I wondered? (Migrating warblers as it turned out.)

When I was growing up in Kenya, my mom had always logged the birds we saw (using an actual hardback bird book). But that was in Kenya. And Kenya, as I’m sure you know, has way more interesting birds.

But seeing these little warblers got me curious. I started pulling up Merlin¹ on my phone more often while out walking. And I began actively looking for birds in my area and trying to identify them. Turns out, there are a lot of cool birds in Chicago too (especially in spring and fall during migration).

It’s fun watching them. They help me pay closer attention to the world. And my youngest daughter has even joined me.

As I once wrote, life happens in moments like these.

Thanks again for being here. Talk more soon.

Merlin may be the greatest app ever created. You can record the sounds of the birds you’re hearing, and it’ll tell you what they are. Or, there’s a guided ID tool where you note a bird’s color, size, and location to get the most likely options for what you’re looking at. ↩︎

What Work-Life Balance Actually Takes

Sun, 03 Jun 2018 09:00:52 +0000

A few weeks ago, my daughter and I ran into a woman named Lianne balancing on a slackline¹ in the park. My daughter was fascinated (and wanted to try it herself)… so we ended up hanging out with her for a while.

As I watched, one of the things that struck me was just how movement it took to stay balanced. I’m not only talking about when she was walking either. Even when she was “standing still”, she had to constantly shift her weight and make adjustments.

Everything was dynamic.

This observation may not sound all that shocking.

Except, we rarely view balance this way in other areas of life. People usually talk about achieving “work-life balance” as if it’s some static thing. Just split your time evenly between work and the rest of life. Or, just reach some similar “magic ratio” and your life will be totally perfect… forever.

Maybe that’s the case for some people.

However, the problem (at least for me) is that life is messy and complicated. It’s chaotic. And different circumstances require different strategies. That’s especially true if you’re living life “up on the line”… where you’re playing a bigger game such as building a business, crafting a career, creating art, or being a parent.

You can find a “perfect” routine that works for a period of time…

But then your kid figures out she can climb up onto the kitchen counter and get into all that stuff that was supposedly “out of reach”. Or you take on a big, super exciting project that suddenly demands more of your time and energy. Or you get sick and your body forces you stop and rest.

Either way, your nice, orderly routine gets thrown out the window. And by the time you adjust to the new set of circumstances, life changes and you have to completely readjust all over again. As the Yiddish saying goes… “Mann Tracht, Un Gott Lacht.”²

That’s why I find balancing on a slackline a more helpful analogy for work-life balance.

You won’t find some “perfect balance” that works for all time (or for all people). What it means to be balanced depends entirely on your situation… month to month, week to week, hour to hour, and minute to minute.

What’s more? Keeping balanced often means acting in ways that look totally unbalanced from the outside. Just take the guy in the picture above. His posture doesn’t look all that stable. Yet, as an athlete, he knows how to keep adjusting to stay on the line.

So, how do you practically find balance in your own life?

Well, I could list off a ton of tips. I could advise you to exercise more, go on a date with your significant other, pick up a new hobby, outsource work to a virtual assistant (or nanny), or take a nap. Those are all great things to do. However the best action depends entirely on the circumstances you’re dealing with… right now.

So before you get to the specifics, focus on the one foundational skill: awareness.

Being aware gives you real-time data to make decisions from. It gives you the knowledge for what adjustments to make and when to make them. And it keeps you from gradually falling out of alignment without you noticing.

This is not easy. There’s a lot to keep track of.

You have to have a pulse on your physical well-being. How are your energy levels? Are you getting the right food and nutrients? Are you moving your body? Are you getting enough sleep? Or said another way, how’s the “human animal” doing?

You have to read the health of your close relationships. Are you putting enough time into them? Is there a sense of warmth and affection? Are conflicts being resolved through calm conversation? Or do they often come out of nowhere and explode in your face? Are the needs of your loved ones being met (emotional, mental, etc.)?

You have to understand the demands of your business or work. Do you need to bring in new clients? Do you have creative work that demands more uninterrupted blocks of time? What requests are people making of you? What urgent tasks need dealing with? What activities are important and worth doing (even if they’re not urgent)? Are there new skills you need to learn? Do you have more on your plate than you can handle?

You have to manage trade-offs between the short term and the long term. For even beneficial things become harmful if you keep doing them for too long. Taking a week off work for vacation can give you needed rest and quality time with family. But always living life in “vacation mode” makes you neglect other important priorities… such as making money to cover your expenses.

You have to track your vision and values. Are you playing the game you want to be playing. Do you even understand what actually matters to you in the first place?

I could go on and on.

Again, you don’t just make this evaluation once and then move on. Every action involves sacrifices. Prioritizing balance in one way means compromising balance in another.

When Lianne was on the slackline, every tiny adjustment shifted her center of mass, where her momentum was taking her, or how the life felt beneath her feet. She had to be aware of those shifts (at least subconsciously) in real-time.

Thankfully, awareness is a skill you can learn, practice, and get better at.

At first, you’ll need to make it a more conscious process.

That could mean adding a formal practice like meditation or journaling… moments where you stop and notice what’s going on inside your head. Rituals like these ground you and set up your day.

It could mean asking for help from a friend and mentor… someone who will speak honestly about your situation.

Or, it may even take a need to do a detailed assessment of your life. Write out each area in a list (health, family, work, etc.) and evaluate them. Is there a feeling of life and energy? Are you working toward your desires/goals? Are there habits or systems you need to put in place? Or are you overly focused on that area at the expense of other parts of your life?

As your awareness grows over time, you can start to identify “warning flags” for yourself. These are small signals that tell you you’re out of alignment. For instance, if I notice a strong resistance to meditating… often I’m avoiding something uncomfortable. Or if I catch myself regularly working through suppertime with the family… then I’m probably not structuring my work time effectively (or have taken on too much).

Eventually, these practices of awareness will become automatic. You’ll internalize them. And, as a result, you’ll be able to maintain a baseline level of balance with less effort.

Of course, this does not mean that living a balanced life will get easier.

In fact, finding balance will actually become harder.

Why?

Because the more skill you have with balance… the more you’ll be able to push your edges and take on bigger, exciting challenges.

For example, Lianne shared how she could walk back and forth on the slackline consistently. But now she was trying to jump up and land balanced on the line again.

However, in the process of learning…

She was falling down. She was falling down a lot.

Yet, as she told me, being able (and willing) to fall right was one of the most important things about learning to do the slackline. Yes, falling is uncomfortable. Yes, it knocks you up a bit. But if you’re not willing to fall, you won’t take any risks on the line… and you won’t learn anything. And if you fall well, you won’t be injured and can just get back up and try again.

It’s a good reminder.

Because there will be many times you “fall off the line”. You will get way out of balance sometimes.

So expect it to happen.

And when it does… reset. Get back to zero. Make the adjustments you need to make – be it spending more time with family, getting extra rest, modifying your work routines, creating new systems and habits, clarifying your values, or whatever else is necessary.

Then get back up on the line and try again.

If you’ve never seen a slackline before, it’s a flat, narrow strip of fabric strung between two trees. And you walk across it like you would a tightrope in a circus. ↩︎
“Man plans, and God laughs.” ↩︎

Watts Your Problem?

Wed, 04 Apr 2018 19:29:09 +0000

“Problems that remain persistently insoluble should always be suspected as questions asked in the wrong way.”

— Alan W. Watts¹ (The Book)

Let’s just say that my early days as a freelancer were a bit of a struggle.

There were lots of reasons for that. But simplest explanation is that I lacked two things that are kind of a big deal for a freelancer – things that people sometimes refer to as clients and income.

To be honest, I’m still not entirely sure how we managed to keep covering rent and food without going into debt. And to say that we were living paycheck to paycheck was an understatement.

Anyways, in the midst of that struggle, I had the opportunity to talk to an experienced (and successful) writer. And I got to ask him questions like…

How do you search for potential clients?
Where do you find people you could contact?
When talking to prospective clients, what questions do you use?
How do you project confidence?
What is your system for generating referrals?
And so on…

Pretty logical things to ask, right? If my problem was that I didn’t have clients, then it makes sense that I’d need to know how to get clients.

However, what this copywriter quickly helped me realize was this…

I was asking the wrong questions. My real problems actually had very little to do with the “how to” side of getting clients.

Really, my obsession with the “mechanical” elements of freelancing was a distraction. It was a clever tactic for avoiding my actual problems. I was just trying to make myself feel better by creating more certainty.

What I really needed was to change the mindset I operated from. I needed to shift who I was being as a person. And above all, I needed to go out there and take action – to embrace the chaos and take honest-to-goodness emotional risks.

Or to say it another way…

What I thought was the problem wasn’t the problem.

This isn’t to knock general how-to advice though. Or the value of systems or tactics.

Because a big part of achieving success is purely mechanical. There are certain steps or actions you need to take. And if you do those actions, you’ll solve your problem. This is true of freelancing. It’s true of growing an audience. It’s true of getting featured in the media. It’s true of building wealth with investing. And I could go on and on.

Buy a course. Read a book. Talk to someone who’s already solved your problem and ask them what they did.

Yes, you still need to sift through and find an appropriate strategy that works and that’s right for you. But a lack of knowledge is something that can be solved relatively easily. (And cheaply too. Don’t tell me you can’t afford a library card.)

From there, it’s all mechanics. Take the right actions in the right order. Execute on the strategy.

This highlights the core point though.

Because if achieving whatever you’re trying to achieve “just” means following a step-by-step system… and you’re still struggling with your problem… then there’s something else going on.

For example…

What if you have a whole bunch of false stories or beliefs that are keeping you stuck? What if you’re just avoiding certain work because it’s hard? What if the very strategy that’s made you successful to this point is now getting in your way? What if you’re afraid?

I can’t say what the specific issue is for you.

But my challenge for you is to closely examine whatever big problem you’re dealing with right now.

Ask yourself…

Is it really an issue that you don’t know what to do? Do you really only lack clarity or knowledge?

If so, then get whatever you need to move forward and take the next step.

But if not…

If this is a problem you find yourself dealing with over and over again.

Or if you catch yourself saying things like, “Yeah, yeah, I know what to do, I just need to do it,” or “I should have solved this by now,” or “Once I figure out X, then I’ll be good to go.”…

Then those are clues that you need to look deeper.

Those are signs that the solution isn’t just something you can list out step-by-step… that you’re going to need to do hard work, be creative, or take an brutally honest look at yourself…

You’re going to have to actually face the uncertainty.

Only then can you move forward.

I know. I know. The pun in the title is terrible. I blame my friend, Colin. It was his idea originally. ;) Kindly ignore the fact that I was the one who actually published this post. ↩︎

Rule Number 6

Tue, 20 Mar 2018 18:01:26 +0000

“Rule Number 6 is ‘Don’t take yourself so g—damn seriously.’ […] There aren’t any other rules.”

— Ben Zander The Art of Possibility

Back in college, I took a one month trip to South Africa. And while we were in Cape Town, our group attended a Friday morning mass at St. George’s Cathedral.¹

It was a highlight of the trip.

Sure, I don’t remember what songs we sang. I don’t remember much of what the cathedral looked like. I don’t even remember what the brief talk was about.

But Archbishop Desmond Tutu was there.

And there’s one thing about him I’ll never forget: The spirit of joy he carried himself with.

I remember how he warmly welcomed everyone. How he gently teased his fellow church leaders. How he cracked jokes about his age. How his deep laugh filled the entire cathedral. How he approached everything with a childlike lightheartedness.²

It was magical.

Here’s the thing though…

I’m not talking about someone who was just blindly pretending the pain, suffering, and hardships of life don’t exist.

This Was Desmond Tutu

A man who walked into the very center of the anti-apartheid movement in South Africa. Someone who embraced the conflict and struggle. One who’s leadership and courage was recognized by the 1984 Nobel Peace Prize.

In fact, on the opening day of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, he was left stunned by the horrible stories people shared. And all he could do was weep.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu breaks down during 1977 T&RC hearings. Image by Raymond Preston.

This was the man who I saw smiling that Friday morning. Despite all he’d seen, he still chose live with optimism and humor.

It’s not just Desmond Tutu who embodies this quality either. I’ve noticed it in almost all of the great leaders and creators I respect… people like my grandfather, Pema Chodron, or Ben Zander.

They don’t take themselves too seriously.

They’re able to laugh at life (and themselves).

They step through the world with a sense of play and curiosity.

And as a result, not only are their lives better… but they automatically elevate everyone around them too.

So…

How Do We Approach Our Work This Way?

How do we dance through life with this spirit of play and lightness? How do we live out Rule Number 6?

Part of the answer is committing to the foundation. It’s embracing the work of developing who we are… changing the stories that run our lives… redefining our game… and pursuing a vision that’s bigger than we are.

However, I’ve also found there are a number of small ways to cultivate this attitude on a daily basis.

You can reflect on Rule Number 6 itself. In the heat of the moment, if you can remember it… that alone can help diffuse stress or anxiety.

Develop a bigger perspective on life. Meditate on death. Ponder the vastness of space. Realize how against the river of history, our lives are but a small drop. So why not appreciate this moment we’ve been given? Right now. Right here.

Take a walk outside. (I find many of life’s problems can be solved by a good walk.)

Go play with children.

Do something kind for another person. Seriously, science shows that just being kind can make you feel happier, more alive, and less anxious.

All of those are great.

And here’s another powerful practice that Ben Zander talks about. It’s just two simple words…

“How Fascinating!!!”

Watch him explaining how it works…

Instead of just complaining… or beating yourself down… raise your hands in the air and say, “How fascinating!” (Notice the exclamation mark at the end. There’s an energy and celebration to it.)

Someone says something that triggers you… “How fascinating!”

Make a mistake… “How fascinating!”

Feeling stuck or challenged… “How fascinating!”

To be clear, I’m not saying you should just ignore your problems or pretend they don’t matter.

In fact, it’s the opposite. Ultimately, this is about facing your problems more fully. Approaching them with openness and creativity. Being present. And, in the process, uncovering solutions you never would have found otherwise.

So that’s my challenge for you… to keep Rule Number 6 in mind this week.

Maybe when someone ignores your very, very important email… you don’t have to get annoyed or take it personally. Perhaps when you’re nervous about performing in front of a group… you can take a breath and appreciate the opportunity to be there. Or maybe when you feel stuck in “the grind” of work… you can try to find room for more fun or experimentation.

And if you’re having trouble, you can always throw your hands in the air and say…

“How fascinating!”

St. George’s was one of the leading churches speaking out against the apartheid. And was nicknamed “The People’s Cathedral” for its strong stance against the injustice. ↩︎
If you want to experience his joyful spirit for yourself, listen to his interview with Krista Tippett. He’s already laughing within the first minute of the conversation. ↩︎

Life Is Long

Mon, 05 Mar 2018 13:55:47 +0000

"‘If I died in a year, what would I spend my time doing?’ I ask myself this question nearly every day."

-- Catherine Hoke¹

We’ve all heard advice like this.

People tell us how we should just “live in the moment” or that we should “live every day as if it were your last.”

Now this all sounds wonderful…

But the problem comes when you start thinking about how you would actually live today if you knew (for certain) you’d be dead tomorrow.

For example, here’s what I’d likely do…

I’d keep my daughter home from school. And we’d spend the day doing something meaningful and fun as a family. I’d call my parents. I’d go on a walk with my wife. I’d savor a cup of coffee.

I’d be extra appreciative of every moment… every sparkle of sunlight… every smile.

Now you may be thinking…

“Hold on! That all sounds pretty great. Where’s the problem here?”

And you’re right, I should weave these elements into my life. However…

Notice What’s Missing From My “Final Day”

There’s almost no practical stuff like caring for my health, working to earn a living, or doing hard practice to acquire useful skills. Nor am I launching any big or meaningful projects… or investing in new relationships.

For if you’ve got one day to live… most of your focus is going to be (rightly) on appreciating what you have as opposed to accomplishing anything new.

The short-term will win out over the long-term.

Thing is…

There’s another side to living. A perspective captured in a favorite saying of Marty Edelston, founder of Boardroom…

“Life Is Long”

Life is long… So treat people with respect and kindness. Act as though how you treat people now will eventually come back around to you. Build lasting relationships where everyone thrives.

Life is long… So invest in your foundation. Build habits and practices that keep you healthy. Take care of your financial future.

Life is long… So work on building something bigger than yourself. Take on projects that are hard. Create things that are beautiful. Touch people for the better.

Life is long… So grow and challenge yourself. Experiment. Learn new skills.

For to live and thrive, you need to hold the short-term and the long-term in tension. You need to have both perspectives at the same time.

And this is why Cat’s question is so striking…

“If I died in a year, what would I spend my time doing?”

One year is not that far away.

It’s tangible.

We can visualize it.²

And because one year feels short…

The question challenges us to appreciate this magical and precious gift we’ve been given. To be grateful for being alive. To be present to every moment. To cherish those we love.

Yet at the same time, one year is also a decent amount of time.

You still have to pay attention to the practical details of life. There’s still space to learn and grow. And most of all, you still have the opportunity build something deep and meaningful…

You can launch a movement.

You can improve your community.

You can make a difference to small group of people.

You can kick off a business venture.

You can build intimate friendships.

You can create art.

Ultimately, It’s Up to You to Decide

You have to answer this question for yourself. Others can help or give perspective. But you’re the one who has to live out it out.

It’s not easy.

Life is dynamic and complicated. And figuring out what’s important to us or how to spend our days takes constant work.

But here’s what I’ve discovered…

Just the simple act of asking the question has incredible power.

It gets you to act with intention. It makes you more aware of what’s important to you. It helps you see opportunities to touch the lives of those around you. It shines a light on how you currently spend your time. It helps you eliminate what’s not necessary.

So that’s my challenge for you today… to ask the question.

Yet before you do, watch the short video below. It tells the story of Eric Sun, who was diagnosed with a fast-growing tumor in his brain. He wrestles with this question of how to live in the face of death on visceral level.

I found his response beautiful and touching…

Finding Meaning in Music from The New Yorker.

Watched the video?

Great.

Now ask yourself, “If I died in a year, what would I spend my time doing?”

Cat’s doing some amazing work empowering incarcerated people using entrepreneurship. Check out her organization Defy Ventures. Or listen to her interview with Tim Ferriss, which is where this quote comes from. ↩︎
We all know of people diagnosed with cancer who are told they only have a year to live. ↩︎

Stop Chasing "Advanced Techniques"

Mon, 19 Feb 2018 20:22:19 +0000

“There are no advanced techniques. Only basic techniques done differently.”

– Grandmaster Connelly

At the Taekwon-do academy I train at, we use patterns for our practice.

And the first pattern is one called Chon Ji. The moves in it are relatively basic. No spinning kicks. No jumps. Just front punches and two different types of blocks.

If you can demonstrate this pattern with confidence, you can advance to the rank of yellow belt. You can move on to more “advanced patterns”.

Now, as an instructor, I teach a lot of yellow belts – kids who have successfully tested on this first pattern. And in each class, before we get into working on their next pattern, I make them run through Chon Ji.

The reaction is always the same…

“Ugh. Do we have to do this again?”

“But I already know Chon Ji?”

“I thought we were supposed to be working on our new pattern.”

It makes me laugh. Because here’s the thing…

Every time I’ve gone for a promotion test to advance to the next belt, guess what pattern the judges want to see first?

That’s right… Chon Ji.

I had to do it when I went for yellow belt. I had to do it when I went for green belt. I had to do it when I went for my second degree black belt.

Why?

It’s in the very name of the pattern. Chon Ji means “Heaven and Earth” because it’s considered to be the “beginning of all things”. The techniques are basic, but they’re the foundation.

If I can’t generate power with my front punch…

Or if my stance is sloppy on my down block…

Or if I lack focus when doing my middle block…

There’s absolutely no way I’m going to be able to do sophisticated moves like a flying side kick very well. All of the “advanced techniques” are built on the same fundamentals we practice in Chon Ji.

Simply put…

The Foundation Is Everything

This isn’t true just in Taekwon-do.

Take, for example, sales copywriting and marketing.

Lots of people focus on little hacks like using clickbait headlines… or adding a million “fast-action” bonuses to make people feel dumb for not buying.

Yet they ignore the core drivers of sales like understanding their target audience, having the right offer for that audience, having a compelling angle behind the promotion, or being able to structure their message in a clear, logical sequence.

And because they don’t have the foundation in place…

Their message falls flat.

Now, this principle doesn’t only apply to so-called “hard skills”. In fact…

Your Foundation Is Vital For Becoming Truly Alive

Consider the story about Milarepa (the patron saint of Cave of Monsters) from book The Life of Milarepa.

He’d been meditating for a long period without eating… tirelessly seeking enlightenment.

When one day, his sisters came to see him. They felt compassion for him and brought a meal of meat, bread, and beer.

The meal was nourishing.

And when he returned to his meditation afterwards, Milarepa had a flash of insight…

“I attained an experience of joy, lucidity, and pure awareness similar to what I had known about in theory. It was an extraordinary experience of illumination which was very powerful and stable […] And I perceived the inherent simplicity of the [Ultimate Truth].”

Talk about a huge, life-altering transformation.

Thing is…

Milarepa’s new understanding didn’t just come from that one moment. It wasn’t because he was suddenly energized by the food (or beer).

It was because of…

All the Work He’d Done Before That Point

He’d previously studied under multiple teachers, who had pushed him through extreme challenges to break him free of his past¹. He’d been living alone and meditating deeply in the cave for years.

Or as Milarepa put it himself…

“This special experience of my illumination was the fruit of my previous meditations […] and the profound instructions of [my teacher].”

In other words…

When the moment came, his foundation was already in place.

Now, I’m not saying you need to go meditate in a mountain cave for a few decades. (You probably shouldn’t, by the way.)

But It Is Critical to Build the Foundation of Your Own Life

How do you do that?

Well, you can start by just looking at the different areas of your life.

Use the Good Life Buckets approach from Jonathan Fields… filling up the areas of vitality, connection, and contribution.

Steal the 5 non-negotiables my friend KC breaks it down to… soul, vitality, family/relationships, art, and work.

Or find another way that works for you.

These are great because you can systematically work on each of these areas… creating new habits or rituals, learning, or practicing skills.

But, there’s also a deeper aspect to your foundation…

Relentlessly Working On Who You Are

Your character.

Your integrity.

Your inner strength and resilience.

The beliefs and assumptions that drive your actions.

The core presence and posture you approach life from.

The way you show up to people.

This work is rarely flashy. In fact, building character is hard. Consistently acting with integrity is uncomfortable. Examining your cherished assumptions is painful.

What’s more? Just like I revisit Chon Ji every time I train in Taekwon-do, you have to revisit this inner foundation constantly. You’re never “done with it.”

But here’s the thing…

The work is worthwhile. It’s the fuel for deep joy, intimacy, and vulnerability. It opens you to a life of beauty and magic. It inspires bold, courageous action.

Most of all…

When you have the foundation – when your “basics” are solid – you won’t just experience these moments occasionally…

They’ll become your way of life.

One teacher had Milarepa build a stone tower… only to then make him tear it down right after he finished. And it happened again. And again. And again. ↩︎

Worth Remembering

Tue, 28 Jan 2014 15:01:10 -0600

I don’t know all that much about her really. We never talked long.

Where did she come from? Or had she always lived here? Did she have any family? Did she have a job? Why did she hang out on that particular street corner? What was life like for her? These are questions I don’t know answers to.

About the only thing I know was her name was Jennifer.

I passed her often – usually on the way to and from the grocery store. She liked to hang out near the entrance to the ‘L’.

Our conversations were brief most of the time – not touching on anything particularly remarkable. But they were a bright moment in the day nonetheless.

She liked to ask about my family – especially my daughter who she thought was “so special”. Every time I or my wife passed with our daughter, she’d stop us and smile. She had a great smile – a big grin full of missing teeth. You could always tell it was genuine.

From time to time she’d ask for change – a small bite to eat. And from time to time we’d help her. I’d gave her some change. My wife gave her a pair of jeans. Perhaps what we offered were but small kindnesses, but I hope it was more than that. I hope it made a small difference. I hope it showed she was a somebody to us.

Then one day we realized we hadn’t seen her in a while.

That wasn’t all that surprising of an event. I’m used to people disappearing. Sometimes they get a job and are able to leave the streets. Sometimes they move to a different neighborhood. And other times, well, you hope the best for them.

Yet recently, my wife found out that Jennifer had passed away.

I think about her often. I think of her smile. I think of the way she loved our daughter. I think of the many brief conversations we had by the ‘L’ station.

I’ll miss her.

Maybe I never knew her all that well. I’ll probably never know too much about her. But I do know she was a human being. I know she’s worth remembering.

Unwelcome Love

Tue, 22 Oct 2013 05:00:55 -0500

I watch her approach. She’s dressed in black – dressed to kill.

Her movement has a casual sway back and forth. I’m not interested in you. I don’t care if you exist, she seems to say. But I know better. It’s not the first time I’ve seen her.

She circles past me, arching around and drawing up next to my side. Hello, don’t mind me.

Her touch is light. Just a brush on the arm, a glance across the hand, a kiss on the cheek. I shake my hand to send her away.

She doesn’t get the hint.

Again she returns. Really, you would send me away? her look says. You can trust me. You don’t need to worry about a thing.

I brush her off again.

This girl. Why does she keep coming back? I don’t want her love. I don’t want her attention.

It’s all about her. She takes and takes and never gives back. She eats at my expense. She hums her annoying little song. She brings her uninvited friends. The whole situation sucks the life out of me.

I grow tired of her continued presence. Will she ever leave me alone? Is there a meaning behind her advances?

Maybe there is no meaning. So often I’m quick to apply a purpose to every event of my life. I create a story around what’s happening – a story that only exists in my head. Perhaps for once, I should let go of the narrative.

She comes back again. Bloody mosquito, will you ever leave me alone?

The Beginning In the End

Tue, 04 Jun 2013 07:01:22 -0500

Years of training come together in a single moment.

I stand in the center of the gym floor with five of my fellow students. Each of us is about to test for black belt in Taekwondo.

Friends, family and fellow students watch as we take our places. Sitting at the judge’s table in front of us is a panel of high ranking black belts – including not just the head of the academy, Grandmaster Connelly, but his instructor as well.

It’s time to show what I know.

heaven and earth
the beginning and ending
of all things
is the same
(Chon-Ji – 19 steps)

In the days leading up to the demonstration, people asked me, “Once you get your black belt, then what?”

Black belt is seen as the pinnacle of being a martial artist – the end goal. Reaching that level is a big accomplishment. But there’s more to it than that.

***

We begin with our patterns. Starting with the ones we learned early on, we work our way up to more advanced forms. With some, the techniques are strong and crisp. On others, I make mistakes and forget steps. But I get through them all. I complete the final pattern and hold my position.

Each pattern represents a step along the way. And I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

strong as a bear
quick as a tiger
each step
a foundation
(Dan-Gun – 21 steps)

a journey of education
step by step
reforming
mind and body
(Do-San – 24 steps)

Every ending offers a time to celebrate, to appreciate the hard work you’ve done. Be proud of what you’ve accomplished.

***

Running through our basic techniques, we punch and block to the rhythm of our count.

Hana, Dul, Set, Net, Dasot …

I sound each number with a shout, echoing the force of my movements. I feel the power of each technique. I feel strong.

Before the test, Tim, one of my instructors, told me to be as loud as possible, to send the message of confidence to the rest of my body. It worked. I’m thankful for his advice.

honor truth
brought by those
who have traveled the way
become awake
(Won-Hyo – 28 steps)

Every ending comes about not just because of the work you did, but also from the input of countless others. They helped you grow and succeed. Be grateful for all they gave to you.

***

My partner moves forward in a punch. With a series of quick movements, I deflect his attack with a block, send a kick toward his stomach, and follow through with a palm-strike at his chin. Had I intended to make contact with each move, he wouldn’t be standing anymore.

But I’m careful with my attacks. I am present enough to control my stikes. I’m able to keep my partner safe.

And in that presence, I find myself enjoying the day. The test is hard and demanding, but I’m having fun.

here among
material elements
grounded
in body and mind
(Yul-Gok – 38 steps)

Every ending is a one time event. Savor the experience. Be present and enjoy it.

***

One. Two. Three. I select a set of solid pine boards from the pile and hand them to the two senior black belts who will hold them.

With the boards in position. I take a step back and take a breath. And in one movement, I move forward and launch a side kick at the boards.

Boom! My foot passes through them like they weren’t even there.

Gathering up the broken pieces, I marvel at the power I put into the kick. I’ve never considered myself athletic or muscular. Just a few years ago, I could hardly break a smaller board, let alone three full size boards at once.

Yet I just did. I broke them ease. And I walked away wondering if I should have tried four boards instead of three.

I can’t believe how much stronger I am now.

one quick strike
straight and true
pierces its target
(Joong-Gun – 32 steps)

sagelike power
from learning
from within
acts outward
(Toi-Gye – 37 steps)

Every ending offers a chance to see where you are. Marvel at the progression you’ve made. Take ownership of it.

***

With my part of the demonstration complete, I sit back and watch the other people test. Four of my peers go for their second degree black belt.

Their patterns are more complex. Their combinations in sparring have greater power and variety. Their kicks are quicker and more effective. I can tell they’re performing on a level far beyond me. It’s exciting to see what I have yet to learn.

I remember a year ago when I attended my first class with the advanced students. I’d just gotten my black stripe – the level before black belt – and was feeling proud of where I was. But the opening warm-ups alone made me realize how much of a leap I had yet to make to the next level. And when we took our places to bow at the start of class, I stood at the end. I was the lowest rank. I was a beginner.

That feeling returns as I watch those testing. Despite reaching black belt, I still am a beginner.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

much to learn
beginning again
as a budding flower
(Hwa-Rang – 29 steps)

Every ending is a beginning. It’s part of a greater journey. So look toward the next step. Get excited about the learning and growth that lies before you.

***

the tide may go out
but ever the ocean
remains
(Choong-Moo – 30 steps)

The day comes to a close with a bow to our instructor, and I head home. The demonstration is finished.

Tomorrow, I’ll be back to train again.

Life Happens in Moments Like These

Tue, 21 May 2013 06:17:20 -0500

In the span of ten seconds, my walk went from being simply good to magnificent.

And simply good was pretty good to start with.

The weather could not have been better. Bright sunlight illuminated the morning – its warmth announcing the arrival of spring. No jacket was needed.

The trek covered a good distance, and I felt the beginnings of that tired satisfaction that only comes from making an effort at something.

All around, blossoms sprung up from the trees, turning them into fragrant canvases of white and pink. Yellow and white flowers dotted fields of green grass. Birds sung out their song. Life abounded everywhere.

And as a bonus, the occasional squirrel hopped across my path. There’s just something about squirrels that makes me smile.

But my smile was about to get bigger.

At one point along the walk, I near the base of a hill. Coming toward me on the path bikes a mother and daughter. And as they pass me, I catch a fragment of their conversation.

“Get ready, there’s a big hill coming up,” the mom tells her daughter.

Reaching the incline, the daughter turns toward her mom, and with a voice full of confidence and pride she says, “I think I can do it, Mommy!”

And echoing back the belief and energy of her daughter, the mother replies, “I think you can too.”

In their wake, I stand still for a second, touched by the simple magnificence of that moment – the love, the connection, the courage, the confidence, and the enthusiasm.

Life happens in moments like these.

threads of everyday
meaning, connection, courage
woven into now

human connection
distilled by the sands of time
elixir of life

A Simple Practice of Compassion

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 05:30:14 -0500

The man doesn’t look too happy.

He pays his fare without a smile and moves toward the back of the bus. But the bus is crowded, and he can’t avoid bumping into several people on the way. He offers no gesture of pardon or apology. Reaching an empty seat, he sits down, crosses his arms, and retreats into the hood of his winter coat.

To you, I wish joy. May you find a reason, even if it be small, to smile. May you find a moment of laughter.

The woman in the red jacket appears restless. She checks her phone. Must be no new messages new for a moment later, she puts the phone away. She glances around the bus. “Why won’t the driver move us faster?” her face seems to say. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Her feet rap against the floor. She pulls out her phone again.

To you, I wish peace. May you find contentment in your journey. May you be at ease.

The heavyset man with the white beard is probably drunk. He speaks loudly. Though he sits across the aisle from me and his words are in clear English, I can’t make out what he says. A bottle of liquor pokes out from the black shopping bag beside him. On he rambles.

To you, I wish a safe journey home. May you arrive without injury to yourself or others. May you have a good night of sleep tonight.

A mother with her daughter get on the bus. The mother directs her child to a seat and they sit down next to each other. The noisy bus doesn’t make the best place for conversation, so they both stay quiet.

To you, I wish your relationship may be full of life and joy. May it grow stronger and stronger.

Standing upright near the rear exit is an older gentleman. We had both waited for the bus at the same stop, sharing jokes until the bus arrived. A smile still shines in his eyes.

To you, friend, I wish continued laughter and delight. May you enjoy the rest of your day. May your smile be contagious.

I can’t see the driver. He sits behind a partition, concentrating on the traffic ahead of us. I do remember him smiling as I boarded the bus though.

To you, brother, I wish safety as you drive. May you find delight in your work — in the turning of the wheel, the blinking of the lights, and the interactions with those you serve.

I watch the people in the bus. Often, I’ll create narratives for each person — judging their actions and inadvertently pretending I’m superior to them. But today, I remember to practice. I act on the words of Father Greg Boyle: “How can we seek a compassion that can stand in awe at what people have to carry rather than stand in judgment at how they carry it?”

To each person, I try and offer a small prayer of blessing.

to you
who is worthy
of goodness and joy
I wish goodness and joy

to you
who deserves
boundless love
I wish boundless love

My well wishes probably won’t make a difference to the people I wish them to. Sure, there’s a small chance they’ll notice my smile toward them. There’s a possibility I’ll have an opportunity to help them later. But most likely, they’ll never know of my blessing. They’ll continue with their days as if nothing happened.

But really, the practice isn’t about them. It’s about me. It’s about us.

For each time we choose to see another person’s suffering instead of casting judgment we train ourselves to be open.

Each time we offer a simple blessing to someone, we force ourselves to look outward. We see the world beyond ourselves. We see that we are not the only ones with needs and struggles. Slowly, but steadily, we strengthen our capacity for empathy, compassion, and generosity.

There will come a time when we will be able to give more than an unspoken blessing. We will have the chance to touch another — to offer compassion and service. And because of our practice, we will be ready.

Several minutes later, I step off the bus. I feel as though all the blessings I wished upon others have rained down on me.

What Happens in Boarding School

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 07:45:03 -0600

Going to boarding school is a sure way to keep life interesting. Though I suppose it’s to be expected when you throw twenty guys of the same age and a dozen nationalities into a dorm in the middle of Kenya.

***

Story One:

It was the sort of patriotism that gets one into trouble.

Upon discovering his England scarf buried in a suitcase, my friend decided to dance and proclaim his love of country to everyone around.

His trouble came not from the content of his shouting – a simple yet exuberant “England, England.” Nor did it arise from a rival nationality in his audience. Rather it was the manner of his celebrations.

I shall not soon forget the sight of my friend diving into the bathroom, bare naked save for the scarf, and my eighth-grade dorm mom covering her eyes in shock and disbelief.

***

Story Two:

My punishment was to chop wood. It wasn’t the first time.

Back in seventh grade, chopping wood was the default penalty. Didn’t clean your room? Chop wood. Late for curfew? Chop wood. Anything else? You guessed it.

With each offence, the quota doubled. I regularly chopped bundles of 100, 200, and 400 pieces. My roommate once did over a thousand. Piles of kindling would lay upon the altar stairs leading up to the dorm parents’ apartment.

That was back then. This time, I was older and more responsible. This time, my quota went all the way up to twenty-five.

I did thirty. Just for good measure.

***

Story Three:

I took my seat in the living room of my dorm parents’ apartment. It was Tuesday, and that meant we had a dorm meeting.

These meetings were a highlight of the week. I loved the jokes, stories and laughter. I enjoyed the break from homework. But most of all, I looked forward to dorm treats. And our dorm mom made the best treats: brownies, ice-cream, and homemade bread. The dining hall couldn’t come close.

I glanced at my watch. Strange. Where is everyone else? People should be here by now.

My dorm dad laughed. It was Monday. Dorm meeting was tomorrow.

***

Story Four:

I’m not entirely positive why he had been waving a plunger around. Something about an imaginary sword fight, maybe?

I’m not sure exactly how he managed to get it stuck to the mirror. Perhaps he was dueling himself.

I’m not quite certain what made him draw it back with such force and speed. Maybe he didn’t want anyone to discover his mistake.

All I know is there was a loud crash. A mirror shattered into a million shards. And he was in the middle of it all.

We wouldn’t let him forget the incident any time soon.

***

There once was a man named Serious
People thought him quite mysterious
He worked hard all day
Without a moment of play
He must have become delirious

Life is often solemn and weighty. There’s work to do, people to serve, and needs to care for. But there’s a danger in getting caught up in that seriousness.

For in doing so, you might miss out on the not-so-serious moments. Those are the moments that you look back on and can’t help but break out laughing. Those are the moments that create some of the best stories. Those are the moments that keep life interesting.

And they’re worth celebrating.

***

What about you? What’s a funny moment you’ve had (either recently or from your childhood)?

A Letter to My Daughter

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 08:38:54 -0600

To my beloved daughter, welcome to this place we call earth. Welcome to the land of a thousand hopes and ten thousand beauties. Welcome to the world of boundless love and overflowing joy. Welcome to this marvelous journey of life.

I offer these words in hope that they will be of value to you as you embark on this journey. I give them as a glimpse into the understanding and wisdom I have gained over my years of living. They serve me well, and I suspect they will do the same for you. They are my gift to you – a gift from the depths of my love.

***

dew falls unfairly
abundant on barren soil
sparse on desert plants

Let me be the first to tell you, life is not fair. This great unfairness manifests itself in the foundation of your life. You will experience it every single day. So you will have to live with it.

It is not fair that you are born into a rich and noble heritage. As you walk through this world, you will find that the legacies of your grandfather and great-grandfather are not universal. You are fortunate to have men as these to look up to. They will be your heroes if you let them.

It is not fair that you do not want for the basic necessities of life. You shall receive food in abundance – delicious and full of nutrition. You shall not want for water – pure and drinkable. You shall not fear for being cast out upon the street – without shelter or warmth.

It is not fair that in moments of difficulty, you shall have support. You shall have a network of people who love and care for you – who will provide in your time of need.

It is not fair that you have a passport that allows freedom. You shall be able to travel to nearly any country in the world without difficult applications or unjust imprisonment. You shall have the opportunity to broaden and expand your understanding of the world – to see that people are more alike than different.

It is not fair that you shall have an education that challenges and grows you. You shall have access to the world’s greatest of thinkers and wisest of heroes – all with no more effort than a visit to the library. You shall have mentors and councilors to take you on journeys of learning – far beyond where you could go on your own.

It is not fair that you will be encouraged to thrive. You shall be surrounded by people who want the best for you – beyond what you may even see for yourself.

It is not fair that you live. On your first day, you outlived thousands. By your first month, millions.

You did nothing to deserve or earn these accounts of unfairness. They are gifts. They are gifts that can never be repaid. Treat them as such.

To these blessings there are two appropriate responses.

the grass of the field
sparkles in sweet gratitude
for the morning dew

The first response is gratitude. In all things find gratefulness. Let it overwhelm you. Let it bring you to your knees in tears.

When you wake, be thankful. When you walk, be thankful. When you breath, be thankful. When you eat, be thankful. When you go, be thankful. When you come, be thankful. When you sleep, be thankful.

It is in this posture of gratefulness that you will find many of life’s greatest joys. For to be thankful is to appreciate the present. And though you always carry the past with you, it is only in the present, in this single moment, that you live. It’s all you have right now. Gratitude keeps you grounded in the present.

watered by the dew
the flowers of the field
add beauty to all

The second response is service. I mentioned earlier that the gifts given to you cannot be repaid. That is true. But you can spread them. You can take what you have and turn it into a blessing to others.

Serve by listening. Every person has a story to tell – a story of who they are and a story of who they could yet be. These stories are magnificent. They are beautiful and wondrous. Be silent and hear them.

Serve with extravagance. You will soon discover that there is a minimum amount you can do to help someone – a baseline level of acceptable assistance. Ignore that amount. Shatter expectations.

Serve with your story. The way you see the world is uniquely yours. That means you have understanding that others don’t have. Share that perspective. It’s valuable.

Serve by receiving blessings. As a wise friend once told me, the nicest thing you can give someone is to graciously accept the gift they give you. People love to be a blessing. Give them the opportunity.

And through your service, each blessing you receive will multiply in abundance.

***

there are times the dew
falls trapped on the spider’s web
and not a flower
but it sparkles nonetheless
webs of beauty in the sun

Much of this life before you is what you make of it. You cannot control your circumstances, but you can control how you respond to them.

When the moments of hardship and difficulty come, you may feel that there is no hope. But there is always hope. Even in the face of death itself, there is life. Look for the good in all things.

The world will be beautiful if you let it. If you notice, it will dazzle you. It will leave you breathless and filled with wonder.

Feel the touch of the wind passing over your face. Watch the array of colors and patterns in the morning sky. Hear the sound of the waves rushing in to greet the shoreline. Smell the fragrance of a spring rose. Taste the sweetness of a ripe, juicy mango.

People will be friendly if you let them. If you choose to see the good in them, you will find it. They will respond in kindness.

Cherish the smile of the old man on the street corner when you stop to say hello. Delight in the assistance of the woman who gives you directions in an unfamiliar city. Rest in the encouragement of the friend who comforts you.

You will live if you decide to. If you choose to walk the journey that is before you today, and you will find it a worthwhile one.

Explore the wonders of the world. See people and learn their stories. Thrive in rich and loving communities. Build, grow and cherish relationships. Walk in the company of friends.

You will find love when you look for it. Though you won’t need to look far. For I love you more than you can imagine. I love you beyond what I can imagine. I love you, my daughter.

Matters of Life in Death

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 09:00:39 -0600

There are times in life where you think that you are fully prepared for what is to come. Then it comes, and it is beyond what you expect or imagine. So it was with the passing of my grandfather.

I saw his decline over the last several years – as disease took his strength. I watched his transition from walking to walker, from walker to wheelchair, and from wheelchair to bed. I knew his death was coming.

I visited him one last time over Christmas break. Knowing that his health was declining, my dad, my wife, and I went to his apartment. While there, we told stories of what he meant to us. My voice quivered as I told my story, as I told him I loved him, as I said goodbye.

I heard from my parents about how his health had gotten even worse, how his death was surely only moments away.

I wrote a story in memory of him. It was a tribute to the lives he’s affected – mine included. A few of you commented that the story made you cry. If so, it was a reflection of the tears that I cried while writing.

Gradually, I said goodbye. I thought I had dealt with his impending loss. I thought that when the time came, I would be ready.

When I first heard the news of his passing, my reaction seemed to validate that belief. My initial response was gratitude.

I was thankful for the timing of his passing. My parents had not yet gone back to Africa. My aunt and uncle flew in from Kenya the day before. My grandfather died in the company of those he loved and those that loved him.

I was thankful for the time he had with his family before he passed away – a time of peace and remembering. They sang songs over him. They told him stories that they remembered from his life. They offered prayers over him and our family.

I was thankful that his suffering was over.

I didn’t have joy about it, but I did not feel too sad.

Then I wrote my daily poem. And it hit me.

the final petal
of the rose falls gracefully
returning to dirt
all that still remains to us
are sweet memories and tears

Perhaps it was the poem itself. Poetry tends, at least for me, to draw out emotion.

Maybe it was the music I was listening too. Song has a way of reaching into the soul. It has a way of making my heart beat to its rhythm.

It could be that I was, for the first time, sitting still. I gave myself space to process what had happened. When rushing with activity, such feelings can get pushed aside.

Either way, I couldn’t hold back the grief. It was as though my previous goodbyes were forgotten. I had to face again that he was gone – this great hero of mine. And I was left with tears.

Some say that tears are a signal for weakness – that they are a sign you are not strong enough. If that is true, than you may call me weak. I’d rather be someone who cares.

***

In this time of death and sadness, I am struck by the life that lies within it.

From many far and different places
Some over land and others by the air
We join together to say our graces
And in each other’s company to share
Over a span of generations
From wisest grandparent to babies young
We renew again our warm relations
And in our company we dwell among
So many wondrous stories linger here
Some tales from old and some from recent days
We tell again of those who we hold dear
And for abundant blessings give our praise
Today we give our thanks for what we’ve got
In joy from family we have a lot

I find life in the coming together of people. Family joins to remember – to tell stories of the man that affected us all. There is life in this family, a life that continues even though we have lost one of our members.

There is life in the community of support. People offer many words of encouragement – friends, loved ones, and others from all over the globe. They bless me.

Without the searing pain of loss and grief
Without the bitter sting of cold and death
Without the knowledge that our lives are brief
Without the sight of loved ones losing breath
Could we know the depth of being alive
Could we know the blessing of joy and love
Could we know the way to grow and thrive
Could we know the gift from heaven above
Do the sharp thorns give the rose its beauty
Do the cloudy skies make the sunlight sweet
Do the shadows reveal the light you see
Do the chilly winds show the fire’s heat
Can you choose just to have the good alone
Or is it by their contrast that they’re known

I find life in remembering that it is sorrows and hardship that makes joy so much sweeter.

So much of life is relative. What I see as good is defined in relation to what I experience as painful. And in the view of loss, what I have becomes all the more valuable.

Descending from the cloudy skies above
Falls a pretty little snowflake lightly
A floating spec of white as purest dove
Moving in the breeze ever so slightly
It comes to rest upon your fingertip
Giving you pause to take a closer gaze
That magic fluff of patterns intricate
Adding a bit of beauty to your days
But soon the temperature begins to rise
And your life vanishes with just a trace
And all that you are comes to its demise
Melting into the sands of time and space
Live your life in view of the coming end
May you today be beauty for your friend

I find life in remembering how precious our time is.

In times of death – especially of one who lived a life so rich and meaningful as my grandfather – I’m drawn back to the importance of living well. I’m reminded about how important it is to live in gratitude.

The time I have here is short. But part of what makes it so short is that I don’t always use it wisely. I don’t notice. I don’t serve. I don’t create. I can, at times, go through life sleepwalking – as if I’m dead already.

So I reflect again on how I use my time. I ponder the legacy that I want to leave behind – one of service, humanity and art. I think about what is important in this life that I’ve been given – family and friends.

hope is like the dew
gems of life upon the grass
a new day’s promise
sparkling as a baby’s eyes

I find life in the coming of our child. Amid this space of sorrow, in mourning the death of my grandfather, we look forward to welcoming a tiny bundle of joy, a little baby, into the world. It is a reminder of hope. It is a reminder that even in times of death, there is life.

***

I’m not sure I’ll ever truly say goodbye to my grandfather. I don’t think I’ll ever completely get over the fact that he is gone. But that’s OK. For in remembering his death, I remember his life.

The Legacy of Lives Affected

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 08:30:07 -0600

Going to church one Sunday during college, I got a ride with an older couple. As I chatted, telling them about my family, I mentioned my grandfather.

“John Gration?” the man asked. “Is that your grandfather?”

“Yes,” I replied, wondering the reason for his question.

“Many years ago, we both lived in the same area. We’re good friends.”

I shouldn’t have been surprised. Perhaps it’s because of the circles I travel in, but I’m constantly running into people who know my grandfather – people he touched.

And he touched many people. Across his numerous professions – member of the navy at Camp Shoemaker, missionary in Kenya and Congo, professor at Wheaton College, and several others – he provides a clear example of what it means to live in service. As with many of my heroes, he’s an example of what it means to affect people.

I know because I am one of the affected.

***

i admire the rose
its magnificent bloom
with full attention
and can’t help but notice

its magnificent bloom
the beauty
the life

with full attention
attempting to comprehend
all the beauty that’s there

and can’t help but notice
that the rose looks back
with the same attention

One time when I was staying with my grandparents for a holiday, Grandpa asked me how computers worked. He was curious.

As we talked, I felt like I was the only other person in the room. He wasn’t distracted. He didn’t check his watch. He didn’t look around the room at the paintings. I had his full attention.

But his expression was not the only evidence of his attention. He participated in the conversation. He actively engaged what I said.

We talked back and forth. I explained a component. He asked a clarifying question. Step by step we approached understanding. And for all of my grandfather’s brilliance, he made me feel like an expert.

I felt valued. I felt honored.

A few months after I graduated from college, I was talking with my grandfather. He asked me how I was doing.

Surface answers didn’t satisfy him. I couldn’t get away with saying fine and moving on. He probed deeper.

I told him about the people I worked with. I described the work I was doing. I shared how I was enjoying the work. I told him about the opportunities I had to grow and learn.

Grandpa wanted to know what was going on in my life. And as I conveyed my excitement for what I was doing, he was excited with me. He joined me in my joy.

My grandfather wasn’t pretending. He wasn’t acting. He genuinely cared. He was interested in what I was saying. And it showed.

I’ve seen it in the countless times I’ve talked to him. I’ve seen it when he talks to others. He recognizes people. He celebrates who they are. For him, they are beautiful in their own right. Their humanity is reason enough to pay them respect.

When you give someone the gift of your attention, you make them feel valued. When you honor who they are, you affect them.

***

the rose always gives
a constant effort to add
blessing to people

Never subtracting, my grandfather adds to people. He seeks to leave the other person with more than they started with.

Sometimes he adds stories from the richness of his experience.

Talking over dinner one night, I shared about a situation at school. My grandfather, having a wealth of experiences to call upon, had a story of when he faced a similar situation. He began the story.

He told about an experience in the navy. That story reminded him of another one. He told about someone he knew from Kenya. Then he told about a recent conversation with a former student of his. The rabbit trail continued, and we never did circle back to the beginning. But that was OK.

It was OK because the stories were fascinating. And by the time he got to the end, I’d learned more than I bargained for.

Sometimes he meets a specific need.

Toward the end of my freshman year of college, I struggled to find a job for the summer. My wanting to work near Wheaton, where I have family, complicated matters. It was hard to search for a job in a city four hours’ drive from where I went to school.

My grandfather called upon his network at Wheaton College. He connected me with the paint department, and I got a job there. It was a perfect position.

Other times he provides guidance and advice.

As a high school senior, my first choice college was the University of Illinois. They had a top rated engineering program, and as a state resident, I’d have a lower tuition. I was all set.

Until I didn’t get in.

My grandfather helped me explore other options, compensating for our difficulty in doing research from Kenya. We examined taking a chance with the wait list, attending a satellite school, transferring after a few semesters, and attending another college. We eventually picked the latter option.

Throughout the whole process, I was struck by how he wanted the best for me – sometimes even more than I did. He wanted me to thrive.

Regardless of the need, he always goes over the top. His service is extravagant.

Occasionally, I stayed at my grandparents’ house. They made sure I had everything I needed and more – especially when it came to food. Grandpa always told me that if I went hungry at their house, it was my fault. He’d say that after offering me another piece of fruit, slice of bread, or bowl of cereal.

I never went hungry.

People remember when you help them. They remember that you put aside your agenda and offer them encouragement and assistance.

***

the rose reminds us
that there is much more to life
than seriousness

Our family often visited my grandparents for a meal. We enjoyed an evening of good food and conversation. After saying our goodbyes, we piled into the car to go home.

As we pulled out of the driveway, Grandpa ran alongside the car making funny faces in the window. Naturally, we returned the favor. The end result was laughter for everyone.

Affecting people is not always serious business. Remind people of the lightness and joy of life. Give them reason to laugh.

***

Although the rose may be a testament
To generosity so good and right
It ensures that it’s never overspent
By drawing water and basking in light

For all the attention and importance he placed on those around him, my grandfather never neglects to take care of himself.

He cares for his spiritual health. He spends time in prayer and meditation. He ponders and memorizes the scriptures.

He cares for his physical health. He eats well. He exercises as much as he’s able to.

He cares for his mental health. He reads books. He expands his knowledge.

He cares for his social health. He cherishes his wife and family. He connects with friends across the world.

If you are to affect others, be sure to give yourself a platform to stand on. Spending time on yourself ensures you have energy for others.

***

The smile brought about
by the fair rose’s beauty
gets passed to others

This past Thanksgiving, my entire extended family joined together for a meal. We traveled from across the globe to come together. Our celebrations testify to the legacy of my grandfather. Our love stands as a witness to the practices and habits he established. We are four generations of lives affected by his example.

***

Illness and old age may rob him of his physical strength, sharp mind, and sometimes even his memory, but I’ll always see the man that he is. I see him and remember how he affected others. I see him and remember how he affected me.

once to me a rose was given
a blessed sprig of bold and beauty
but now the rose is fading
an echo of its former splendor

a blessed sprig of bold and beauty
a touch of life and love and grace
for me and for others all around

but now the rose is fading
color dimmed by creeping brown
drooping low into a humble bow

an echo of its former splendor
but still i see it and remember
all the blessing that it is to me